My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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