I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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