I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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