why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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