ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
