Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
