So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
