I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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