I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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