I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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