i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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