Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
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today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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