I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
this is an emotional support booty call
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Randomize
