here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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