Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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