Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
