I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
