Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
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stop calling my apartment porn island.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
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Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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