so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
