why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
