sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
where does the pee come out of this thing
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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