All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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