just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Boobs are out for the taking
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
