What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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