How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
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