i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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