I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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