Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
