I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
