Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
