if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
