I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
