There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
