am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
