no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
