margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I got her a Nickelback box set.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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