Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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