from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
