I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize
