Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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