Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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