Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
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Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
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My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that