Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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