who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
