i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
