Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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