I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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