Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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