Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
