Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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