I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
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