I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
