I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
