I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
