He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
